Tears over Gorgonzola

Today, the cousins left and I wound up watching some movie called 'The Laws of Attraction'... I wouldn't recommend it. Unless you're into college students, scantily (if that's how you spell it) clad women, sex and drugs... Really, the characters are seeking something better, or at least I hope they are. Afterwords it just reminded me of love... you know, what is it? The intangable concept so hard to grasp when you feel frozen inside. I mean... it got me reading over some old emails... ones I couldn't delete cause they had sentimental value. I was just reading them and.. they moved me to tears. Just the feeling I got remembering times in my life when I felt so loved and so in love. It's really hard to make a comparison to the way I feel now. It's like a gap, or a bus stop... I feel like I'm waiting outside in the storm for something to happen. I was even reading over old friends emails, ones I seem to have lost along the way. It made me remember what it was l ike to have really good friends you know... someone who would let you borrow their toothbrush if you needed to. That's hardcore. People who really get you, and your quirks and the memories you share. It makes me wonder if the best time in my life has passed, and the only place I'm going is downward. I see people I thought I knew, and feel helpless because I know bad things have happened but I can't do anything. I know they don't want my help. It's a path of self destruction I'm following, and I watch others along the same path. More far gone than I... and I want to pull them back, to help them. But I have nothing to grab onto for leverage. And, I don't want to hurt the people who love me because, they do mean so much to me especially at these times when I'm not on solid ground. It's times like these that make me wonder if I will ever become whatever the hell I'm meant to become. Dammit all.. everything was fine 'till I went and watched Jason Van Der Beek in that weird ass movie. Thinking sucks. I'll take it as an awakening, and pull an Eva this year and live as the hermits do, locked in the room with the homework. Speaking of which... D.E. awaits.